Barrage of Introspection
Television silenced, I sit in the quiet solitude that screams at me. Paper and pen in hand, but I can't write a word. The thoughts are too loud. Anger pushes at the periphery, but gets tramped down by berating words. I stand and pace, dispirited. Outside, it's too bright as the hot thirsty trees sway, and I become entranced with the blinding green movement. Too soon does the reprieve of a moment become an onslaught of more unerring thoughts. I turn, dejected, and stare at the paper again. My last sentence- "I need..." I need what? A silent riot ensues in my mind, loud enough for me not to ignore. Not this time. I look at the soft skin on my forearm. I look at the highways of veins. Could I? Yes, I could...but would I? Would it make the screaming stop? If red wine blood drips down my arm would I feel relief or at least a temporary lull? It's so inviting... But I can't. It would feel good... But I won't. It would make everything go away for a bit......
Best Friends
We clicked immediately, as only best friends would. We noticed how alike we were, yet different enough to talk for hours on end. We shared our most deepest secrets; some that we had never told another soul. We talked on the phone every day, texted when we weren't, and even talked and texted to each other at the same time if we had something to say and their were too many ears around. We had our girls' nights where we went out to eat, had a drink or two, and went the book store. Not a rebellious night that some girls have, but it suited us just fine. We shared a kindred passion for reading.
You were always there when I needed a someone to talk to. I was by your side when you had your own troubles. The story of your difficult teen years showed me what kind a wonderful person you grew into. The escape from your ex husband proved how brave of a person you were. You were there for me when I fell into a depression; your kind hearted words were enough to slowly bring me out of it. You went to the hospital to wait during my surgery when you didn't have to. I stood by your side when you got a diagnosis that tore you up from the inside out.
Then insidiously, some unseen force slowly blindsided our friendship. I saw little signs that things weren't right between us. I couldn't understand the pernicious darkness settling around us, pulling us apart, and I hoped it would just go away. But the pull of the person/people that were new in your life had a stronger sway. I didn't want to impinge on your new life too much. I tried to keep up with conversations, told you I missed our girls nights, etc. Communication eventually died between us.
It took months for me to realize we weren't close anymore. My impetuous mind gave you every excuse in the book, took up for you when others weren't so kind, and held on to the single thread of hope that I kept close.
One day you called and you needed me. Without a second thought I was there. I gave you an entire day of my support, and I thought it was undoubtedly a turning point. That was until the communication died, yet again, afterwards.
That single thread I hung on to so tightly? It snapped. That day I closed off to the idea of trust. I felt like a fool letting you into my heart again.
Now, instead of the altruistic, easygoing, arms-forever-open person that I was, I now have a wall built around me for protection. How can I possibly trust anyone again? I don't know how to answer that. I can't see beyond this coat of armor I'm wearing.
Happiness Comes in a Spine
July 14th I will always remember as the day I became published. I received the "proof" copy of my book in the mail. It was like giving birth to my creation and gazing upon it for the first time, only minus the hospital setting...and the pain... I gave Amazon the OK to proceed with publishing the paperback and the ebook. Soon I saw my it available on Amazon.com. It was a sight to behold- I took a picture of my computer screen like the dork that I am. I started envisioning readers scrolling through books and coming across mine, exactly the way I search for my next big read. It was exhilarating. My lifetime goal came true because I had the will never to give up.
Now my goal is to get the word out about it. This is proving to be much more difficult than writing the book. Mostly, family, friends, and a few people who I only know online have read it. One person who I've never spoken to (online or otherwise) has read it. I was thrilled to hear she liked it. It's somewhat an odd feeling to want people, strangers, to read something I wrote. I've never been one to put myself out there. In fact, I was extremely quiet in school. God forbid if I did speak back then- everyone stopped and stared at me, causing my face to flame red and my breath to catch in my throat. Writing and publishing a book takes a fair amount of bravery. Something I'm still grasping.
I'm also working on my next book. Possibly two at once. That should prove to be interesting. I love it, though. I can finally call myself an author. I'm finally doing something that feels more than right. My happiness came to me in a spine.
Heart All,
Kristi
